From Assigned Goals to Self-Directed Lives

One of the most patronizing things disability services do is talk endlessly about our goals when what they really mean is their goals for us. It’s framed as collaboration and encouragement, but in practice, those goals are decided in meetings people with disabilities didn’t lead, shaped by systems we didn’t design, and rooted in what makes providers comfortable rather than what makes lives meaningful.

When people with disabilities don’t work toward those goals fast enough, enthusiastically enough, or in the exact way expected, the tone shifts quickly. Concern replaces support. Progress reports replace conversations. Words like “lack of motivation” and “failure to thrive” begin to surface, as if not pursuing someone else’s version of a good life is evidence of something being wrong.

A woman is messily learning how to bake using YouTube

There is something deeply dehumanizing about a system that treats people with disabilities as though we have to earn the right to full lives. Independence becomes conditional. Adulthood becomes something granted instead of assumed. Wanting something different than what was planned is treated as a lack of insight rather than a valid expression of identity.

This approach is not neutral or kind. It is control wrapped in softer language. When nondisabled people change direction, take time, or redefine success, it is understood as choice. When people with disabilities do the same, it is framed as risk, stagnation, or concern about capacity. That double standard is constant and exhausting.

People with disabilities are routinely nagged about not working toward goals we did not choose. Those goals often prioritize productivity over joy, safety over autonomy, and convenience over dignity. They exist less to support real lives and more to demonstrate that services are functioning as designed.

Young adults enjoying a fitness class

When people with disabilities resist, pause, or say no, the narrative often shifts to questions about motivation or understanding. Human experiences like grief, reflection, change, and uncertainty are treated as problems rather than normal parts of life. The underlying message is that being fully human is conditional.

People with disabilities are not projects or rehabilitation stories waiting to be completed. We are not problems to fix, and we are not less deserving of full, meaningful lives because our paths do not align neatly with service timelines or metrics. A full life does not look the same for everyone, and it should not be forced into a single mold.

A young man repairing a car engine

When people with disabilities choose their own goals, motivation changes because the goals actually belong to them. Effort becomes rooted in meaning instead of compliance, and progress becomes personal rather than performative. Supports become clearer and more effective because they focus on removing barriers, adapting environments, and providing access rather than enforcing outcomes.

Choosing our own goals allows space for rest, change, and growth. It allows people to pivot when something no longer fits and to take risks that matter to their own lives rather than risks that look good on paper. It also allows something essential to grow: self-trust.

Confidence grows when choices are respected. Dignity grows when people are trusted to direct their own lives. Independence stops being a performance and becomes a lived practice shaped by values, relationships, interests, faith, creativity, ambition, rest, and timing.

Supported Decision-Making strengthens this shift by changing the foundation of support itself. It recognizes people with disabilities as decision-makers who may use support to understand options, weigh information, and reflect, rather than as individuals who need decisions made for them. Goals stop being assigned and start being authored.

A group of young adults working together at an office job, doing a project

With Supported Decision-Making, people with disabilities are supported to explore priorities, change direction, and define success for themselves. Support becomes collaborative instead of controlling. Mistakes are treated as learning rather than failure. Growth becomes possible without fear.

Supported Decision-Making removes dominance. When control is replaced with trust, people with disabilities are not diminished. We are allowed to be fully human, complex, evolving, and deserving of lives that are self-directed, meaningful, and our own.